Insomnia – Journal (2019)

Photo by Mike Petrucci on Unsplash Mike Petrucci


I couldn’t sleep. I checked the time. 3:37 AM.

I had been awake for a while already. I used the bathroom, hoping that a full bladder was the cause for my sleeplessness. Back in bed, I closed my eyes. Turned. First this way, then that. Nothing felt comfortable. My brain refused to fall asleep. I unlocked my phone, read a few articles hoping to tire my eyes into closing. My eyes not to be fooled, I was still wide awake.

I felt hungry. Emptiness in my stomach. Was I hungry because I’ve been awake for a few hours or did I wake up because I was hungry in the first place? The former, most likely, I decided. I was craving a chili cheese toast. I could head downstairs, finely chop some onion and capsicum. I’ll have to skip the green chili, can’t deal with heartburn again. I could spread some homemade green chutney on a slice of bread. Top with cheese. Broil in the oven. I wondered if he had left the toaster oven on the counter or put it back inside the cupboard. All this made me hungrier. Wider awake than before.

I checked the time. 5:07 AM.

Not an unearthly hour. I used to wake up at this time to study. I decided to get out of bed and head downstairs. Without waking him up, I slowly made my way to the living room.

The living room was unusually bright. I had never walked around the house at this hour before. Did our neighbor have a bright backyard light? I peered outside to find out and behold!

It was the Super Snow Moon. Right above our backyard. Like stadium floodlights, it lit up the entire backyard. Some of the light slipped into the house, leaving shadows. I stared at the huge moon. It felt so much closer than usual. I knew my phone would do no justice to this beauty. So I didn’t attempt to take a picture. Maybe I should have, it was magical.

I wanted to step outside and bask in the moonlight. But I knew it would be freezing out there. I missed Mangalore summers. I remember waking up with a sweaty neck, blanket at the edge of the bed, long discarded, the ceiling fan rotating, slow and pointless. I could have stepped outside then. The early morning air would have provided some relief. I wanted to go back home.

Here, it was warmer and cozier inside.

I laid down on the couch. Read a few articles on my iPad. Admired the shadows, bits of moonlight twinkling on the walls. I must remember this, I thought to myself before I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up and checked the time. 6:51 AM.

The sun had risen. I peeped outside. Blue sky, no moon in sight.

Was it a dream?

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